The Baker and the Irregularly Sized Cakes

Once upon a time there lived a pumpkin with a top hat and a monocle, but the pumpkin has nothing to do with the story. We only mention him because he is awesome and lived next the house in which our story begins.

The house belonged to a baker who was known throughout the kingdom for his cakes and his incredible wits in tight situations. The story doesn't really being there either though. It begins in a dungeon where one the day the baker found himself in a facing a dragon.

The dragon said, “Raar! Raar! I’m a dragon! If you can’t tell.”

The baker just smiled and gave the dragon a cake. Then the baker moved on with his normal life, leaving a happy dragon behind him. This was not unusual for the baker, although it was odd for the dragon. The baker had a habit of taking a cake to give to odd things that wanted to kill him. He did this at least once a week in the hopes of teaching the murderous creatures that people were good and should not be eaten. If they became customers of his cake shop, all the better.

The king soon heard of the baker’s deeds and summoned him to the castle, where he said, “Hey, I need a big cake in the shape of my daughter!” It seemed a giant sea monster was insisting on eating the princess. His head was poking through the window and he agreed that it didn’t matter what he ate. As long as it was shaped like a princess, it was good enough.

The baker said that it was possible, but that he would need just a small amount of Bakeranium.

“Bakeranium?” asked the king.

“It’s a very rare element that is only found in very cold places,” the baker explained. “Such as the North Pole.”

“I’ll go get it,” said the princess, who did not wish to get eaten.

It took her several months, but eventually she returned with the Bakeranium only to find that the baker had apparently forgotten that he already had a stash. While she was gone, he had already prepared the big cake and the sea monster was long gone and very popular among sea monsters. (Eating a princess-shaped object was considered very cool in the sea monster community.)

The princess decided to ask the baker if he wanted to make a very big cake to feed the entire kingdom for her birthday. He said, “OK, but I’ll need a small amount of Cakanium.”

The princess said, “OK. But triple check your house to make sure you don’t have it already.”

He said he had just enough, but still needed all the flour. He was out because of the big princess cake.

So the princess went to the largest windmill or wherever you get flour from and got as much as she could. And went to the second largest one and got as much as she could. Et cetera.

When she gave it to the baker, he said that he had just enough.

One month later, the princess had a big birthday party with a cake the size and shape of the castle. Everyone enjoyed the cake and was very happy. The baker was named Royal Baker and given a much nicer kitchen than he had before. He lived the rest of his life in the house by the pumpkin patch making cakes for all the kingdom.

The end.

The People's Greed

Through the fire, through the flames.

Higher and higher, only fun and games.

The turtle suffers. The turtle feels pains.

The turtle buffers. The turtle wants rain.

The people's greed makes them dance and sing.

They ride their steed and care for nothing.

...But I know one day, the turtle will flee.

A Review of the Origami Yoda Books by Tom Angleberger

This remarkable book series is about a kid named Dwight or Tommy or whatever. Kinda hard to tell because of the narrative structure that goes from character to character.

I like these books for a lot of reasons and I will tell you one by one. First of all, the names of the books. The Strange Case of Origami Yoda.  Then Darth Paper Strikes Back. And last but not least, The Secret of the Fortune Wookiee.

Let's start with Origami Yoda. This book is a collection of stories set in middle school and Tommy is collecting all of these stories to find out if Origami Yoda is real or not. The book just seems like a bunch of stories that don't progress the plot that much, but by halfway through you will be addicted to the book. And at the end you will find a pleasant guide on how to make Origami Yoda.

And now Darth Paper Strikes Back.  This book is the all paper sequel to The Strange Case of Origami Yoda. It features instructions on how to make Darth Paper, an origami lightsaber, and a 5 fold Yoda. It also has rules for a game called “paper wars”. And it contains a nice plot to top it all off. This time instead of fingering out if Origami Yoda is real or not we're trying to get Dwight out suspension (Dwight is the creator (and owner) of Origami Yoda). I really like the book overall. Oh, by the way, the school pisses me off. A LOT.

And finally Fortune Wookiee. The book is set after Darth Paper Strikes Back so Dwight is not at school any more. (Not gonna tell you why.) And everyone misses him, but now a new hope rises from an arts and crafts store: THE FORTUNE WOOKIEE and Hon Foldo. It is (once again) a collection of stories. This time they’re based around the fortune wookiee welded by Sara. It is a cliffhanger so don’t get it too early. It tells you how to make The Fortune Wookiee and Han Foldo.  There were several origami characters mentioned in the novel that I would have liked to see instructions on how to make, but overall it is about as good as Darth Paper strikes back. And a lot of times in the book you will be thinking, “There is a disturbance in the force!” Oh, by the way, the school pisses me off. EVEN MORE.

Well, that’s about it. I hope you enjoyed this review and will have a fun time reading these books.

Exploring Time!

Once upon a planet, there was a brave explorer, and his name was not Bob. He traveled with a navigator, whose name was not George. Not-George didn't really do too much, leaving Not-Bob to do pretty much everything as they traveled the world for the fun of it. (Well, Not-Bob traveled for fun. Not-George just wanted money.)

On a trip through the Mayan Jungle, they found an old tunnel. They thought that maybe the Mayans had dug it to find the lost souls of their kings.

Not-George said, "I'll be rich for discovering this place! Yippee!" and ran in.

Not-Bob said, "He didn't discover it," and walked right in.

When Not-Bob found Not-George, he saw Not-George banging on a wall trying to get inside. "Let me in, you stupid temple!" he was screaming. "I'm going to get rich because of you!"

Not-Bob said, "No! This temple is very delicate! It might collapse at any moment!"

"Oh, relax," said Not-George as he stopped banging. "I can open this door easy-peasy without making the temple collapse."

And then... The door opened!

Inside was crystal-clear water. They couldn't see the bottom of it.

Not-George said, "See?" and then... The temple started to collapse.

Not-Bob said, "As you where saying?"

It occurred to Not-George that there might be treasure at the bottom of the water, so he put a vase on his head (for air) and then jumped into the water. He sank right to the bottom! But there was no treasure, just a whirlpool that grew and grew as Not-George swam for his life.

Eventually, Not-George returned to the surface, but he brought a guest. The whirlpool!

He turned and threw the vase from his head into the whirlpool, screaming, "Take this!"

It didn't do anything.

With mighty wind, the whirlpool sucked both Not-George and Not-Bob in. (Somehow, they were able to breathe normally. Which is good, because breathing is good.)

The whirlpool spat them out in a jungle pond beside a Chinese temple.

"Weird," said Not-Bob. "Another temple... And it doesn't like Mayan. Let's investigate!"

And so Not-Bob and Not-George went into the temple. All they saw were a blanket, a pile of sticks, and some big vases.

As they were about to investigate the vases, they heard a griffon call.

Not-Bob said, "Oh, a griffon. That explains the vases and the pile of sticks. The vases are eggs!"

Not-George didn't care what the vases were. He just yelled, "Run!!!"

Since Not-George was the navigator, Not-Bob ran with him.

They lost the griffon while running from the temple, then ran through the jungle to yet another temple. They stopped outside of it and Not-George said, "We are not going in that place!"

So they ran away from the temple along the shore of a lake.

Soon they found a beach with sand and giant seashells. One seashell was so big you could use it as a boat, and Not-George said, "Let's climb into that shell and escape this place!"

And so they used the shell as a boat and sailed to a desert filled with odd cacti that looked like tires. Not-George found a stick to chop down a cactus to get cactus juice (or whatever comes out of them), but as he tried to grab the stick, he found it was very hard to get it out of the sand.

The sand began to shake... And then... The stick was revealed to be... The tail of a sandworm!

Not-George and Not-Bob ran for their lives until they came across a huge rock. They climbed on the rock and the sandworm couldn't find them.

On the huge rock, which appeared to be a mountain, they made a campsite with sticks, leaves, acorns, and wood, and then settled in for the night. After their rough day, they needed sleep before trying to go home!

DRAGON TWO (OR SOME OTHER NUMBER)

(We changed the name so we won't get sued.)

Once upon a time... Wait a second. Didn't we run into this last story? Okay, instead let's say... Once upon a millennium, there was a small boy named Boy and one time he sailed across the seven seas – wait. No, wrong story... There was a boy named Boy with a frost dragon named Flames.

Our story begins sometime in summer, or on a hot Saturday some other time of year, after Boy got some books on what to do if you have a frost dragon named Flames.

As Boy was about to start reading, a crazy town crier came in screaming, or singing really loud, “Raaaaain, raiiiiin. There's going to be raaaaaaaaiiiiiin. Be prepared, be prepared, be prepaaaaaaared.”

His song over, the crier left and Boy said, “Well, that was weird. I mean, how did us medieval people know there was going to be rain? You don't get that technology for hundreds of years. Oh, well. Guess we have to board up our house as if it was being attacked by zombies.”

And so Boy found all the extra chairs, tables, and wood plaques he could and started nailing, taping, and gluing them to the windows, walls, and doors. But he accidentally barricaded him and Flames outside!

He thought about places to hide to get away from the rain. In a ditch, in a evil dragon's cave, or in a small well... He figured the well and the ditch would just flood, so he went to the evil dragon's cave. (It was the dragon that was evil, not the cave. If you were confused.)

While he was following the yellow brick road to the cave (I hope we don't get sued by the people who made The Wizard of Oz), Boy saw his friend the lost temple. (Not know who this guy is? Go to the last story. If you don't know who anyone in this story is, definitely go to the last story!)

The temple said, “Run! Evil fighter planes!”

Boy said, “But this is the medieval ages!” and thought to himself that maybe there was a time machine. Then he saw a squad of evil fighting planes dropping off a... a... I mean the... the angry horses from last story!

The original angry horse said, “Neigh! Neigh! N-n-neigh!”

Thanks to the horse's translator hat, Boy could understand him. What he'd said was, “Ha! Thanks to our warm winter coats your dragon cannot freeze us! We thought about snow pants, but... No, we didn't want them.”

Then the fighter planes' pilots ejected, but none of them had a parachutes. They were pretty angry when they remembered that although they were all birds, they couldn't fly on their own. So they became angry birds! But even angry, they didn't want to hurt Boy and his dragon, but decided to take their anger out on some nearby pigs. (Well, one pilot did remember to take a parachute. He didn't get angry, he just took a vacation.)

All of the fighter planes hit in one spot (coincidentally), and then... BOOM!

The could of ashes went to the pigs. And what happened to the planes, you may wonder. Well, the pieces went so far that they got to the non-angry bird and made him angry!

Since the pigs all died because of the ash, the birds decided to take their anger out on Boy and Flames after all. But while all this stuff was happening, Boy and Flames had run like heck to the cave.

The horse said, “Well, they're awfully rude!”

When Boy and Flames arrived at the cave, they saw two signs. One that said, “Beware!” and one that said, “Put your ad here.” They didn't put their ad there because they had nothing to advertise and they didn't beware because they didn't want to.

In the cave, they found a rock... And an evil fire-breathing dragon that said, “I'm going to kill you!!!”

But just as it was about to breathe fire on them, the fire dragon saw that Flames was a frost dragon. Then it squealed like a rat and ran off deeper into the cave.

Boy and Flames didn't want to stay in the cave. They wanted to go home. But they remembered the angry horses, angry birds, and that their house was boarded up. So they decided to build a new house in the cave.

It came out very well and was never bothered by the fire dragon, who was too scared of Flames to do anything evil ever again.

THE END

DRAGON

Once upon a time, there was – Wait a second! When is this? Once upon a time? Okay, let's improvise...

Somewhere in the medieval ages (I think), there was a boy called.. Um... What was his name again? Let's call him Boy.

So, somewhere in the medieval ages, there was a boy called Boy, and sometime in winter he decided to go on a journey. God only knows why he did that in winter.

After being chased by an angry horse, Boy found a lost temple. It asked him for directions, but the Boy didn't answer as he ran into the temple because the horse was still chasing him.

The temple said, “Violator! Get out of me!”

Boy ignored that because the horse was outside and stumbled up the temple stairs.

Upstairs, Boy could still see the horse through a window. It looked like the horse was calling other angry horses on his phone.

After going up to the top, Boy realized there was another set of stairs going down. He decided to go down, but changed his mind when he saw the scorpions at the bottom. He turned around and found another set of stairs.

Hoping there were no scorpions, he decided to go down the other other stairs. When he got to the bottom, he saw a wall that said two things. One was a cheat-code for horseshoes. (Dance around like a horse four times.) The second was a warning. “If you open this wall, or door, or whatever you call it, beware of something! I think it's dangerous. Maybe. Oh! And also, to open the door, just say, 'Blanket.'”

While Boy was wondering why it told him how to open something he wasn't supposed to open, he also wondered if he wanted to say, “Blanket.” But when he does stuff like that, he talks to himself, so he actually said, “Blanket,” without meaning to.

The door (or wall or whatever you call it) opened and inside was an egg the size (but not shape!) of a foot.

Boy decided to grab it and run upstairs to see if the angry horse was still there.

The angry horse was still there, playing poker with his friends. When they realized Boy was in the window, they all said, “Neigh!!!” and ran to get some bows and arrows.

When they had their bows and arrows, they launched them at the window. (Don't ask me how a hoofed mammal shot a bow and arrow!)

The only thing the arrows hit was the egg, which started glowing for some reason.

And then... (Play dramatic music here.) The egg opened!

And there was... A... A... ACHOO!

Sorry.

There was a dragon.

It was frost blue and hadn't grown its horns yet. (Duh! It's still a baby!)

But then it... A... A... ACHOO!

No, that wasn't me. The dragon sneezed.

And after the dragon sneezed, all of the horses were frozen.

Then the boy said, “I think I'll name you Flames.”

The Temple made a snorting sound. “Dude, why would you name it Flames? Name it Frosty.”

“But he's not a snowman!” Boy said.

Disgusted, the temple spat Boy and Flames out and walked away. (Don't ask me how a temple walked!)

Boy picked up Flames and went to to the library to look for books on taking care of frost dragons named Flames.

THE END

Little Red Astronaut

We are sorry for delaying our story PT. We cannot finish it due to brain malfunction. We now happily give you this...


Little Red Astronaut


Once upon a time, in space, there was a little red astronaut from Mars who travelled in a spaceship that looked like a basket. She was going to Planet Grandma to get plasma cookies to deliver to the rings of Saturn.

The astronaut, whose name was Ikea, was bored on her trip, because she did this all the time.

So she stopped at Planet Excitement, aka Earth's moon, to get excitement into her life.

All the excitement on Planet Excitement was underground, in huge mines. Ikea was about to go into one of the mines when she saw a sign. “Attention: If you are from Planet Earth, then walk away and forget this whole thing ever happened. If you cannot forget, we have a human DNA check system, so a guard will probably come out and kill you anyway.” Ikea was glad she wasn't from Earth.

Near the start of the mine was a gift shop. It had Planet Excitement snow globes, Planet Excitement t-shirts and w-shirts (all in xxxxxl), and lots of Planet Excitement post cards. Ikea decided to move on.

The next part of the mine had a very long, boring, kiddy ride that only went two miles per hour, a more exciting roller coaster with a warning that said, “Don't go on this or you will die. Seriously. We have creatures from other universes,” and an elevator.

Ikea decided to take the elevator.

She rode the elevator to the bottom, floor fifty-one. Floor fifty-one was much more exciting than the first floor. There were two areas to have excitement: a mystery day care for one-to-five-year-olds, and, for all other ages, a cave of possible death.

She didn't know why, but she decided to go with the possible death.

Inside the cave, was a giant dragon head. As Ikea came close to it, the jaws opened and she heard a very polite voice say, “Welcome to the bottom floor. Please go through the door.”
The door was down the dragon's throat. Ikea thought about not going in, but a bunch of people exiting made her decide to go.

She went down the stairs and came out back in the cave. Nothing happened inside the dragon. At all. She was starting to be disappointed in the excitement of Planet Excitement.

As she left the dragon, she heard laughing and suddenly, out of nowhere, a mutant winged wolf appeared. Ikea thought this might put the excitement rating up. The wolf tried to bite her and she said, “Finally, excitement!”

“No,” said the wolf. “Death!”

The wolf tried to hit her with his tail, but she pulled out her ray gun and zapped him.

“So much for excitement,” said Ikea. “This is more like Planet Lame.”

Then she went back to work.

THE END.